Young Writers Society

another beautiful one!
i love this one the best
i saw alot of different messeges in this
but the one that hit home for me was this one messege i saw...
being willing to doing anything to be with somone and all you want is for them to you love you back but then realizing they cant love you because they dont love them selfs,you relize their dealing with their sucidical thoughts.
this actually happen to my dear friend i had a huge crush on and it was hard for me to listen to how he was feeling since im a bubbly, positive person.
when your around someone with thoughts like that you learn more about how you deal with your own pain.
im going to put my poem about my experiances once i get enough points
i adore you for this poem
great job!

This is a great poem! I love the idea for it! the only thing bugging me is the use of rhymes in this poem.. At first, it started with all rhymes, then it went to only two lines, and then none.. and at the end, the rhymes picked back up again.. But other then that, it is a great poem!!!


Keep it up!!


*Emily*

I do not care what the other people say- no offense other people- but I think that you should keep it just the way that it is. It shows the true you and how you're really feeling. Especially if you gave it to somebody, I don't think that you should change anything. The rawness of it, the feeling of real true love, I guess, is what makes me want to read it, but you can do whatever. So yeah. I'm done now. Don't stop writing.

Galerius wrote:

October Girl wrote:We can be anywhere just you and me.
We can go anywhere just wait and see.
This is the way it's got to be,
I'll wait for you...if you wait for me.

you repeat way too much. anywhere, you and me, wait, etc. if you're doing this accidentally, then its time to look over your poem and try to make it...poetic. that includes making the work flow by energy charging each word so that it has a meaning unique to its own. these words in the first stanza are so overused that they do not do that.

if you repeated purposely...then i have no idea why you would think that's a good idea.

the theme of the poem is, so far, poor because its basically a preteen starry-eyed love note without any depth whatsoever. you didn't even tell us what makes this person so beautiful in your eyes (i hope to heaven there's something besides "sea blue eyes" and "golden hair"...some personailty, maybe?)

And I'll wait,
until it's time to say...
Don't you get it?!
I've been waiting so long!
Just waiting for you to smile...
Just waiting for a while.

i won't even pretend to undrestand why your introducing such harsh contrasts: childlike satisfaction and dreaming in the first stanza, and whining/moping in the second stanza. its okay to have contrasts, but you havent even developed these well, just thrown them in the readers face.

I want to see you smile
like a newborn child.
Just waiting,
just waiting for you.

you want to see him smile like an idiot? a newborn child's smile is one that is vapid without understanding or any emotions besides ignorant bliss. if you want that in a lover, then whatever, but i'd just like to point that out.

I understand what you've been thinking,
and I've been thinking it too.
The part where we get our fairytale ending,
is where I'm running away running away... With you.

i thought you were yelling at him earlier because he doesn't realize that your waiting for him. and now he's thinking the exact same things you are? revision is in order.

I've watched you from the corner of my eye,
and what I don't understand is why someone
so beautiful would want to die?
And then I began to realize you never felt alive.

here we go again with the emo over-hyping of emotions so that death suddenly equates to sadness. if he really wants to die, then you did a very bad job of foreshadowing that to us in the stanzas before this. if he never felt alive, then are you saying your love "completes" him? if so, then why is he still distant??? does he have some mental condition that prevents him from feeling true emotions?

And I will wait
until it's time to say
Don't you get it?!
I've been waiting so long!
Just waiting for you to smile.
Just waiting for a while...

cut out this whole stanza. please. its a complete repeat and adds nothing new, makes this seem more like a song than a poem.

so content,
yet so wild.

who's content? you? him? either way, it doesn't make sense because of the friction and tension you've put between the two people, so the reader is lost here and it sounds as though your just adding in poetic devices just because.

I'll get you to smile.
I'll get you to.
I promise you...

And I just want to make you smile;
even if it lasts just for a while...

October Girl wrote:We can be anywhere just you and me.
We can go anywhere just wait and see.
This is the way it's got to be,
I'll wait for you...if you wait for me.

And I'll wait,
until it's time to say...
Don't you get it?!
I've been waiting so long!
Just waiting for you to smile...
Just waiting for a while.

I want to see you smile
like a newborn child.
Just waiting,
just waiting for you.

I understand what you've been thinking,
and I've been thinking it too.
The part where we get our fairytale ending,
is where I'm running away running away... With you.

I've watched you from the corner of my eye,
and what I don't understand is why someone
so beautiful would want to die?
And then I began to realize you never felt alive.

Great poem! Lots of emotion and it feels real. The rhymes are mostly smooth, too.

We can be anywhere just you and me.

We can go anywhere just wait and see.

Don't you get it?!

I've been waiting so long!

Just waiting for a while.

is where I'm running away running away... With you.

And I just want to make you smile;

even if it lasts just for a while...

'so content,

yet so wild.

I'll get you to smile.

I'll get you to.

I promise you...'


Hey October girl i loved your poem/song but the verse above is my favourite. It is a wonderful poem of love and promises and i really enjoyed reading it. The only part i think needs correcting is the verse below...you cant wait so long and wait for a while at the same time.

I've been waiting so long!

Just waiting for you to smile...

Just waiting for a while.

great poem.

I am a boy, but I understand thats what a fallen in love girl wants or dreams.
This would be a great song. But one problem

///////////////////////////////////
I've been waiting so long!

Just waiting for you to smile...

Just waiting for a while.
/////////////////////////////////

If you ffirst wrote you have been waiteing so long then why did then you wrote for a while?
I think you should change that.

THE SONG WAS STILL GREAT

Did you write this to your lover?

This is one very nice lyric poem.

Absolutely lyrical. Smooth and nice.

The narration is impressive.

But, I could not get the the connection of the poem with its title.

I loved most of this, the emotion is really powerful, but there were sections that didn't seem to fit very well. It seemed that you couldn't decide whether you wanted it to rhyme and have any rhythm to it or not.

[/quote]smile
like a newborn child.

Ehrm... not to put to fine a point on it, but I've known a lot of babies, and a lot of mothers... newborn babies don't smile. It takes them about a week to learn, at least! So even if this section did make sense as part of the poem, the actual line is very impractical... Maybe you could use a child instead. (Of course it could be that you used a newborn that can't smile intentionally for this comparison, since you seem to be trying to communicate a sadness and melancholy from the characters, in which case, great, and creative!)

I think if you could try to adapt it so that you have some rhythm, or a pattern of some kind, that would be helpful to the reader.

[/quote]so content,
yet so wild.
I'll get you to smile.
I'll get you to.
I promise you...

I love this part! Keep it! Hey, pm when you decide what to do. Sorry 'bout the nitpicking. On the whole, I really enjoyed this.

This piece is uhm,, interesting?
Hello! I'm Tamara.
Anyways, this seemed to be half poem/song kind of a thing and it wasn't bad. You could say I didn't really HATE it but I didn't really LOVE all of it either. Some parts of it pulled at my heartstrings... but others just sounded akward and didn't fit at all.
For example,
"I want to see you smile
like a newborn child.
Just waiting,
just waiting for you."

Ughhh.... the Just waiting part is fine but the first two lines just sound kind of silly. Mostly this poem seems to rhyme and have a beat but I feel that here it does not.

And then here you begin to stray.

"so beautiful would want to die?
And then I began to realize you never felt alive. "
When did we begin to mention this suicidal person? I don't recall that. And you make no mention of it later so it must not be important to the reader. If it is, it should be emphasized more.
This seems less of a poem to me. Maybe it fits is other writing rather than here.
The ending is good.

And that's all my suggestions on this.
Relatively not bad. 7/10